Sunday, 18 June 2017

Feeling disgusted that I was once with someone who could so easily betray the love and complete trust I have shown them.

I don't know how you can ever do that to someone you claim to love.

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

2 months

2 months of very real struggles.
2 months of questioning far too many things in my life than I am actually supposed to.
2 months of still not realising who I am.

Thinking of deleting this blog.
It holds too many events and memories that I would now rather bury deep in my heart than leave aired in the open.

I did think of starting a Dayre (have an account but don't blog), but I do think it's a little too instantaneous for me and a little too fast-food paced.
I do like taking my time to gather my thoughts and type.

For some reason, I have been wanting to be alone a lot lately.
I think a better word would be independent.
I find myself getting more cynical as time passes and it isn't as though I wasn't cynical enough already before.
I don't know anymore.

Monday, 20 February 2017

First of 2017

Today, I learnt to parallel park in less than an hour and I also learnt that monsters do exist in real life.

Someone I considered a peer did the most immature thing ever. She stared down at me after noticing that I had smiled to greet her when I saw her walking towards me.
I don't know how low a person can go but this is definitely the lowest I have experienced myself.
I feel like this seems like such a petty thing to blog about and so stupid as a first post of 2017 (late as hell) but I feel like I need to remember this. 
I think I was pretty bewildered but I remember just freezing my smile because I was amused and also SO CONFUSED.
Like why the fuck would someone stare you down??? That has got to be the most immature and petty expression of displeasure to someone (yours truly) who was just being polite.

But actually I'm just happy I can parallel park well HAHAHHAHAHA

2017 has not been smooth!
I guess it will be a year of deeper and clearer realisations. And a year of appreciating the people who deserve it the most.

This evening, an old friend asked: "So are you going to _____'s wedding?"
Me: "I wasn't invited lol"
S: "HUH really what happen"
Me: "she drowned our friendship"

I guess this is another thing worth remembering. And this has been on my mind for a while.
Friendships fall apart and people become distanced.
But what I have failed to understand the past few years is how you could distance yourself from me and our friendship when what I needed most at that time was friendship itself.

I would text you occasionally to ask you what you've been up to and these texts would go unanswered.
I looked up to you and I respected you, as a person and a professional.
But I guess my friendship wasn't beneficial to you and you decided to burn the bridges instead.
The first friend I made the first day I came to university.
Ironic that I wouldn't be graduating with you as a friend.

Still grateful for the people that have proven my judgemental self wrong (hahahahaah) and the people who are sticking like glue (SIMIN I LOVE YOU MY FOREVER LOVE)!

Friday, 16 December 2016


Me somewhere in the Blue Mountains in Sydney, taken by Jon because I liked the light on the tree.
I miss Australia. Very very very very much.

Actually deep down inside i am an aussie.
oz oz oz, oi oi oi!

I promise I am trying to get through all the Australia photos albeit very slowly.
I think I just have this fear of revisiting and looking at those photographs because every time I do that, my heart aches just a little bit more.

I wish I was easily satisfied.
I want everything to go my way.
I wonder, is this part of being an adult?????
I don't know. Maybe.

Sunday, 4 December 2016

I am trying to make sense of life right now.
This has probably been the most eventful year in my life so far.

Saturday, 22 October 2016

3am writings

So this semester has been a hell of a whirlwind.
Every week I am thoroughly exhausted and wish I could really sleep forever.
But then I think about the future life I have to live and it provides that little bit of sustenance.

I have always said that my life plan is but a plan; nothing is set in stone.
And it scares me.
I'm afraid of not knowing and not having complete control.
Does that make me a control freak?

Still, I am thankful I found someone who I can be brutally honest with.
And Darren reads me pretty damn well in the short span of time we have known each other.
Like I say, I am an open book.

I think I am still getting used to this new kind of love.
This love that is assuring and peaceful, calm and collected.
Nothing that uproots you. But it is strange indeed.
It is strange to me.
But eventually, I know deep down that this is the kind of love that could possibly weather the storms in this blackhole we call our world, through the beings we call 'fellow men'(whom are not even close to any sense of the word 'fellow').

We don't know, but we will find out.