Saturday, 27 December 2014

Cheerleader




My current jam ever since I heard it at the Christmas party the other day on Shermain's phone.
I used to be a very pop/mainstream music kind of person but recently I've been leaning towards a more alternative genre.

Hope everyone has a good break with the new year approaching.
Let's try to stay happy always.

Friday, 26 December 2014

Dysthymia

A lot of the time you see people opening up their glorious lives on the internet.
And a lot of the time you feel sick in the stomach because you wonder, when is it ever your turn to be so blessed?
Maybe never.



But in the end, always remind yourself to be thankful, even when it is the most impossible and painful thing to do.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

It's true what they say. Good friends are so hard to come by.
And amongst all these people you are having fun with, you had no idea you could feel so lonely.
The loneliest you have actually ever felt in your life.
Where are these friends when you need them?

Monday, 22 December 2014

Update 101

The art of posing, I tried too many times to get the perfect selfie lol.








I fucking love cupcakes. And the other day I had mega cravings so I got myself a Christmas cupcake and 2 others.
I fucking love cupcakes.
I fucking do.





This is Rocky's guilty face after he bit my leg when he got a scare from the thunder and lightning.
It was an accident. 
He felt so bad afterwards and followed me around like a little puppy.







We made up a few days after and shared the bed for a while.
I love him but his breath fucking stinks.



That pretty much sums up my absence. I have also been busy putting on weight. 
Ho ho ho






Monday, 8 December 2014

Chop



New hair don't care.
Decided to chop off my really dried ends and go for a new look.
Reallllly liking the short locks now.

I have really nothing much to do this December break so I'm kind of looking to experiment and explore more in terms of photos. If anyone is interested to do a collab or something, please do tell me.
I'll be really glad and welcome any ideas at all.

I'm also probably going to do a shoot with one of my old classmates.
Looking forward to that and hope that it bears some fruit.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Light



Tumblr photo


Does it seem like we are all swimming in darkness?
Feeling our way through with no clue what is coming next.

I just hope we find something to light the path ahead of us.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

#100




I don't know how deep this cut runs.
When I thought I've stopped the bleeding, the blood comes flowing out again.

I see you everywhere, everything reminds me of you.
The places that I go, the songs that I listen to, the photographs in my phone and in my room, your badge that you asked me to keep, the notes in film roll holders you gave me.
Even the faint scar above my knee because you accidentally scratched me once.
And now you've left this permanent imprint I cannot get rid of.
Is this a fucking joke.

You know what I need?
I need pieces of my fucking damaged soul picked up and pieced back together.
But I don't know if that's even possible right now.

Am I asking for too much?
All I want is for you to not stop fighting.


I want to scream it out to the world that we give up too easily. That if we saw people as a priority and not as an option, we would all be amazed with what the human race contains. With what the world contains. I want to love until my body aches with happiness and my mouth hurts from laughing.

Some food for thought.
Don't run away from your emotions.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

I hate you, Bregy Chow, for giving up.
I hate you for not fighting for me.
I hate you for letting go.

I hate you, because the one person who I thought would fight for me did not do it.
I hate you.
Because that could be the only way I know how to stop loving you.

And I hate this so much I could throw everything away just like that.

I hate all of you.
I hate all of you who are lucky enough to not be in this situation.
I hate all of you who have the privilege of sharing your life with someone.
I hate all of you who are so drunk in love and so blessed.
I hate all of you who have someone who will fight for you and who will hold your hand through thick and thin.

I hate you.
I hate all of you.

Here I am sitting in this cold ass motherfucking room, at war with my own thoughts.
Chaos in my head.
Thinking of the most negative things and hurting myself emotionally over and over again.
Don't ask me to take it easy.
Don't tell me it'll get better.
Because right now I am dying.
My insides are melting away.
My soul is shattered.

Right now I really need to get myself together and complete 2 papers next week.
But nothing is left of me, nothing is left in me.
Trust me when I say I have tried everything.
But it just keeps coming back.
I have no more tears to cry but they just come out.
By some miracle, I cry and scream until I am tired.
But the next few hours or the next day I start again.

Just like how I cried in my mum's arms this morning when she asked me about you.
She saw me crying and all she could do was hold me like a fucking baby.
Because that's how helpless I am.
That's how much it hurts.
It is taking all that is left of my energy and will power just to sustain myself as a living human being.

I don't know anymore.


I can't do this anymore.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Life is fucked up and I fucking hate it



This will probably be the last photo of Bregy & I that I will put up for awhile.
It is hard writing this, and it is even harder for us emotionally.
Just about a week ago, he found out that he got accepted into an Australian uni and I found out a few days later.
I guess you could say I really got the shock of my life.
What entailed was an emotional whirlwind and an ocean of tears.
Because what this all means is that he will be leaving Singapore for good for the next 4 years, with no idea how frequent he is coming back (maybe even not at all).
With that said, you know there are only 2 options.
To do long distance or to stop where we are and let go for the 'better'.

Long distance is a total bitch, a worse bitch than all the other bitches in the world.
Hence, we decided that staying friends was the 'best' plan.
I put 'best' in inverted commas because letting go is never the best for me.
Letting go means a chance (and a high one) of moving on.
A chance of finding someone better, someone who will make new memories, who will give you butterflies in your stomach again, who will make you forget the person who was once your other half.
People change, and things change. And it has always been, in my opinion, the 'convenient' and 'easier' way to let go.
I know it is not as easy as I say it is, but it lessens the pain.

But nothing can cushion my fall, nothing can ease the pain and hurt of losing my other half.
He will still be my best friend, we will still talk everyday if we can.
But it still hurts because at the back of my mind, the thought that people move on is there.
Because there may be a possibility that no second chances will occur, that we may never get to continue where we left off.

Well, basically that's the gist of it.
I have spent hours crying. When I think I've cried enough, I start again when I get reminded of how I'm losing all this, and how unfair all of this is to us but we are completely HELPLESS.
FUCKING COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY HELPLESS.
I can only try to take life as it is right now, open up my options, explore the world slowly, while keeping my best friend close.
And perhaps, PERHAPS, just perhaps, when I graduate in 2.5 years, we will find our way back to each other.
And I hope we do find our way back to each other.
Because we always do.
We always do.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Hell





Hell week is here and I have 2 exams to study for and 1 last critique tomorrow morning.
It has been a bad week but we all pick up whenever we fall.
I'm just grateful for friends I can talk to and my ever so funny classmates who I have the most ridiculous conversations with.
Just today, Robert was giving us German lessons in the classroom and now I can swear in German proficiently.

Life has not been treating me the best lately but I am trying to let go and let God.
Also, as with all the bad times in life, music helps me cope a lot.
And Nick Jonas...... dayum boy.
This is a song for all you ladies who feel you are never good enough.



Thursday, 13 November 2014

Faceless Portraits















Part of the series I did on Simin for my final assignment in Digital Darkroom.
A lot of the time, people tell me works should engage in a deeper emotional level, or should have certain depth and symbolic significance.
But to me, sometimes your work is merely a visual representation of what goes on in your head, something that you imagine out or see, with no further explanation or clearly deep thought.
Or no philosophical meaning behind it.
Some things just are.

And a lot of the times, I realise I like doing these kinds of 'visual vomit'- things that I cannot really account for.
Things that you have to engage with by yourself and with your own mind, and not with whatever I'm telling you it is about.

I am quite sick of doing things to please others, it is tiring and it just dampens your passion so much more.
So I implore all of you to do what you want, to follow your heart and soul.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Eventfulness






What an apt title - for the eventful week I've had and just basically how life is throwing me off my feet right now.
But here are the photos Simin & I took the other day for the fun of it and I was almost serious about handing these photos up for my assignment.
Which would probably result in the death of my grades.

Life is hard and life fucking sucks sometimes but we all press on.
Stay strong everyone.
It'll all be over soon.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Wrong

I was wrong, I am wrong.
I have made so many mistakes but nothing comes close to this, to disappointing the person closest to you.
And now I will live with it.
This year, God gave me the best thing in my life.
Right now, I'm praying that he doesn't take it away.
Hanging on to some faith that my best friend will forgive me.
Forgive me for hurting him, forgive me for being so selfish.
Forgive me for overlooking the most important thing when I was too overwhelmed by my emotions and clouded by my lack of judgement.
I have cried and cried and cried and cried.
Screamed, banged the table with my fist.
I cannot cope with this. Inside, my soul is dying, piece by piece.
I don't know what is left. 
I keep saying I can literally throw myself in front of a moving car right now and I really can.
Not because I'm trying to gain sympathy or to guilt trip anyone, but I am really just helpless.

I can say all the things I want right now and all of it wouldn't matter.
The thing that matters the most is what you want for us.
I will never forgive myself for this.



Monday, 3 November 2014



Can't wait for this semester to end so I can be like Rocky.

Friday, 31 October 2014

Reunited




Bregy finally came back!!
He came back on Wednesday and it was kind of the best day ever, to be with him again.
Also, we just passed our 4th month and it feels like 4 years.
I will never regret being with this boy, seriously.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Mysterious ways



Gabe Bondoc's voice has such a way of keeping me grounded and sane in this hectic period of school and the toll of having your best friend so far away from me.
Your ears will thank me for sharing this song, and I dedicate this to my other half, Bregy.

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I have so many things on my plate right now, I know a lot of you do too.
But what I have come to realise, is there is no point in being too hard on yourself all the damn time.
At the end of the day, do what you love and what you feel is right.
Don't let anyone dictate your actions, don't let anyone extinguish your bright and burning flame.

Here's to a good week ahead.



Friday, 24 October 2014



5 days, love.
Almost midnight and I sit here thinking, what would I do without you?



Saturday, 18 October 2014

Half & Half





One very amateur selfie of myself & one nicely posed photo of Simin from yesterday when I went out to shoot for more projects.
The weather has been so erratic lately and it is the worst weather to shoot in because of the lack of sunlight (and also because I almost only shoot with natural light).
I have such beautiful friends.

And then we had some fun with stupid photos, which I will edit and post up soon.
I wish we had more times like these.
So much fun and it takes my mind off things for awhile.
And I can forget that I have loads of assignments, 2 tests on the same week and that my other half is miles away from me.
And thus begins the single digit countdown till Bregy returns!




Sunday, 12 October 2014

Photographing Bregy #2















Putting up these photos is making me miss you a thousand times more.
Stay safe in Australia and please please, please come back soon.
16 more days, love.

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Annoyed

I don't get why we must all conform to be defined by the number of likes on our facebook posts and instagram photos.
The world is just kind of fucked up don't you think?

On an even more sombre note, Bregy flew off this morning and I feel so empty and lost.
Like a part of me went away with him.
Countdown: 21 days.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Bregy & I were down with food poisoning for the past 2 days.
So unlucky, I know.
He's flying off for 3 weeks with no contact tomorrow night.
Right now I just want to see him.

Monday, 29 September 2014

Doggies Part II
























Photographs of Rocky that I took at Bregy's house and in the park.
I'm so upset that my negatives have a scratch, and they won't print well in the darkroom.
But there's nothing Photoshop can't fix these days.
So digital will have to do, but right now all I'm posting are raw images directly from the negative.
I feel it's more authentic.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Photographing Bregy









3 of the photos from the whole 2 rolls I used photographing Bregy.
These are the only ones I've edited so far because we were planning a little project.
But more to come.

Film photography has been so fascinating ever since I got started.
It will probably be something I am looking forward to doing long term.
Also, I love shooting people, so hopefully these two can materialise and come into one melting pot altogether.
I have learnt not to take things too seriously now and not to overthink plans I have for myself/my work.

Anyway, recess week is coming up next week, I can't wait.

Sunday, 21 September 2014



Life is full of surprises.
More of the good ones, none of the bad, please?
Have a good week ahead, y'all.

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Darkness

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so flawed.
I wish I had a beautiful soul.
I wish I could be easier on myself.
Because at the end of the day, everyone stops caring about you.

And the only person there for you is yourself.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Doggies



If you don't already know, Rocky is Bregy's dog.
He is bloody adorable and such a weirdo.
But I love him.

We brought Rocky for a long walk/hike at the park last week and it was one of the best times I've had. I also brought along my Minolta so hopefully I can get some of the images soon.
And it really reinforced that notion I have about dogs being the best things ever.
I'm so sure I'll get a dog next time. So sure.
It's just something about them.
They don't give you money, they don't buy you things, they don't help you with homework.
But they sit outside the toilet waiting for you to finish peeing.
At least that's what Rocky does to me.



Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Excess

I like to overthink things. I think too much and about too many things at the same time.
And it really drags me down and pulls me into a black hole because I become so preoccupied with the issues that I am thinking about that it takes over me.

Don't think, just do.
Don't think.
Don't think.

I very often compare, myself with others, and people with each other.
Don't compare.
Don't compare.
Don't compare.
I need to learn to stand alone and stand my ground.

I also often feel like I am the only person in the world.
I always feel alone.
I always feel like my battles are only mine to fight.
I always feel like I have no friends.

Don't think, really, don't think.
And just move on with life as I please.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

New hair don't care



Finally cut my hair after more than a year.
It has been such an eventful year for my hair, and my life in general.
I'm just glad all is well and I am blessed sufficiently.
Bregy has been such a tremendous pillar of support even though he cannot always physically be here for me.
But I know he will always have my back.
This relationship has taught me so much more than I expected and you can tell I've definitely changed a whole lot in the past year.

I refuse to delete my older posts on my previous relationship because I believe it serves as a reminder - a reminder of mistakes, of undoings.
And a reminder that I am worth more than I think I am.
It keeps me grounded in some way, and it reminds me how lucky I am to have what I have now.
Bregy has opened my eyes to a whole new world out there, he freed me.
To put it in a really funny way, he set my spirit free and made it whole again.
He taught me how to live in the moment with his zeal for life.

I am amazed everyday by you, I really am.
And I realised I was trapped in a dark place that really destroyed me the past 2 years.
Such a long way I have come.

Monday, 1 September 2014

When can I tell the world that I finally got it all right?

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Breaking some rocks




"Through thick and thin, yeah?"
"Mhm"

That was all I needed to hear.

Monday, 25 August 2014

Life is throwing rocks at me.




This is one of the times I have so much doubt in myself it is damaging.
I am torn between who I want to be and who I am supposed to be.
A good student, an artist, a photographer, a writer, and the list goes on.
It seems like I cannot be all these simultaneously and it is killing me.
Perhaps my mind cannot handle academic rigour as much as I thought it could.

Uni has made me question so many things that I never thought would cross my mind.
I guess this is part of growing up.
I guess I need to sort out my goals in life, I need direction, I need flow.
In the end we are all conforming to a certain standard -  to our tutor's expectations, to our peers, like how we behave and interact with each other.
We are all seeking affirmation.

We are all merely seeking approval from the world around us.

Because only with this affirmation and approval do we go forward.
When will I feel the affirmation I have for myself is enough?

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Diana F+































































120mm film shots from the Diana F+ that I tried out a few weeks ago.