Wednesday, 26 November 2014

#100




I don't know how deep this cut runs.
When I thought I've stopped the bleeding, the blood comes flowing out again.

I see you everywhere, everything reminds me of you.
The places that I go, the songs that I listen to, the photographs in my phone and in my room, your badge that you asked me to keep, the notes in film roll holders you gave me.
Even the faint scar above my knee because you accidentally scratched me once.
And now you've left this permanent imprint I cannot get rid of.
Is this a fucking joke.

You know what I need?
I need pieces of my fucking damaged soul picked up and pieced back together.
But I don't know if that's even possible right now.

Am I asking for too much?
All I want is for you to not stop fighting.


I want to scream it out to the world that we give up too easily. That if we saw people as a priority and not as an option, we would all be amazed with what the human race contains. With what the world contains. I want to love until my body aches with happiness and my mouth hurts from laughing.

Some food for thought.
Don't run away from your emotions.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

I hate you, Bregy Chow, for giving up.
I hate you for not fighting for me.
I hate you for letting go.

I hate you, because the one person who I thought would fight for me did not do it.
I hate you.
Because that could be the only way I know how to stop loving you.

And I hate this so much I could throw everything away just like that.

I hate all of you.
I hate all of you who are lucky enough to not be in this situation.
I hate all of you who have the privilege of sharing your life with someone.
I hate all of you who are so drunk in love and so blessed.
I hate all of you who have someone who will fight for you and who will hold your hand through thick and thin.

I hate you.
I hate all of you.

Here I am sitting in this cold ass motherfucking room, at war with my own thoughts.
Chaos in my head.
Thinking of the most negative things and hurting myself emotionally over and over again.
Don't ask me to take it easy.
Don't tell me it'll get better.
Because right now I am dying.
My insides are melting away.
My soul is shattered.

Right now I really need to get myself together and complete 2 papers next week.
But nothing is left of me, nothing is left in me.
Trust me when I say I have tried everything.
But it just keeps coming back.
I have no more tears to cry but they just come out.
By some miracle, I cry and scream until I am tired.
But the next few hours or the next day I start again.

Just like how I cried in my mum's arms this morning when she asked me about you.
She saw me crying and all she could do was hold me like a fucking baby.
Because that's how helpless I am.
That's how much it hurts.
It is taking all that is left of my energy and will power just to sustain myself as a living human being.

I don't know anymore.


I can't do this anymore.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Life is fucked up and I fucking hate it



This will probably be the last photo of Bregy & I that I will put up for awhile.
It is hard writing this, and it is even harder for us emotionally.
Just about a week ago, he found out that he got accepted into an Australian uni and I found out a few days later.
I guess you could say I really got the shock of my life.
What entailed was an emotional whirlwind and an ocean of tears.
Because what this all means is that he will be leaving Singapore for good for the next 4 years, with no idea how frequent he is coming back (maybe even not at all).
With that said, you know there are only 2 options.
To do long distance or to stop where we are and let go for the 'better'.

Long distance is a total bitch, a worse bitch than all the other bitches in the world.
Hence, we decided that staying friends was the 'best' plan.
I put 'best' in inverted commas because letting go is never the best for me.
Letting go means a chance (and a high one) of moving on.
A chance of finding someone better, someone who will make new memories, who will give you butterflies in your stomach again, who will make you forget the person who was once your other half.
People change, and things change. And it has always been, in my opinion, the 'convenient' and 'easier' way to let go.
I know it is not as easy as I say it is, but it lessens the pain.

But nothing can cushion my fall, nothing can ease the pain and hurt of losing my other half.
He will still be my best friend, we will still talk everyday if we can.
But it still hurts because at the back of my mind, the thought that people move on is there.
Because there may be a possibility that no second chances will occur, that we may never get to continue where we left off.

Well, basically that's the gist of it.
I have spent hours crying. When I think I've cried enough, I start again when I get reminded of how I'm losing all this, and how unfair all of this is to us but we are completely HELPLESS.
FUCKING COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY HELPLESS.
I can only try to take life as it is right now, open up my options, explore the world slowly, while keeping my best friend close.
And perhaps, PERHAPS, just perhaps, when I graduate in 2.5 years, we will find our way back to each other.
And I hope we do find our way back to each other.
Because we always do.
We always do.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Hell





Hell week is here and I have 2 exams to study for and 1 last critique tomorrow morning.
It has been a bad week but we all pick up whenever we fall.
I'm just grateful for friends I can talk to and my ever so funny classmates who I have the most ridiculous conversations with.
Just today, Robert was giving us German lessons in the classroom and now I can swear in German proficiently.

Life has not been treating me the best lately but I am trying to let go and let God.
Also, as with all the bad times in life, music helps me cope a lot.
And Nick Jonas...... dayum boy.
This is a song for all you ladies who feel you are never good enough.



Thursday, 13 November 2014

Faceless Portraits















Part of the series I did on Simin for my final assignment in Digital Darkroom.
A lot of the time, people tell me works should engage in a deeper emotional level, or should have certain depth and symbolic significance.
But to me, sometimes your work is merely a visual representation of what goes on in your head, something that you imagine out or see, with no further explanation or clearly deep thought.
Or no philosophical meaning behind it.
Some things just are.

And a lot of the times, I realise I like doing these kinds of 'visual vomit'- things that I cannot really account for.
Things that you have to engage with by yourself and with your own mind, and not with whatever I'm telling you it is about.

I am quite sick of doing things to please others, it is tiring and it just dampens your passion so much more.
So I implore all of you to do what you want, to follow your heart and soul.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Eventfulness






What an apt title - for the eventful week I've had and just basically how life is throwing me off my feet right now.
But here are the photos Simin & I took the other day for the fun of it and I was almost serious about handing these photos up for my assignment.
Which would probably result in the death of my grades.

Life is hard and life fucking sucks sometimes but we all press on.
Stay strong everyone.
It'll all be over soon.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Wrong

I was wrong, I am wrong.
I have made so many mistakes but nothing comes close to this, to disappointing the person closest to you.
And now I will live with it.
This year, God gave me the best thing in my life.
Right now, I'm praying that he doesn't take it away.
Hanging on to some faith that my best friend will forgive me.
Forgive me for hurting him, forgive me for being so selfish.
Forgive me for overlooking the most important thing when I was too overwhelmed by my emotions and clouded by my lack of judgement.
I have cried and cried and cried and cried.
Screamed, banged the table with my fist.
I cannot cope with this. Inside, my soul is dying, piece by piece.
I don't know what is left. 
I keep saying I can literally throw myself in front of a moving car right now and I really can.
Not because I'm trying to gain sympathy or to guilt trip anyone, but I am really just helpless.

I can say all the things I want right now and all of it wouldn't matter.
The thing that matters the most is what you want for us.
I will never forgive myself for this.



Monday, 3 November 2014



Can't wait for this semester to end so I can be like Rocky.