Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Taking back.

The morning I found out, I burst out into tears.
I called my friends. I needed help.
After finding out that there was someone new, I couldn't function as a person.
I felt so many negative emotions.
I felt angry, betrayed, heartbroken, disrespected, wronged and disgusted.

I had a mental breakdown.
I became an empty shell.
I lost myself.

But eventually I decided to woman the fuck up.
I decided to channel all this energy into something else.
I didn't want this mess to ruin me and I thought I could at least make something good out of it.
I needed to do this, I needed to turn this fucked up mess into something more beautiful than the pain I feel.

And I photographed myself.
Loss, emptiness, pain.
Know that all of it was real when I took these photos, and my flaws are all visible.
I wanted to be as raw and vulnerable as I could be.






It felt good to have a part of myself back again, to be able to channel everything into a medium that is so familiar and close to my heart.
And it felt good to be able to be in control of the setting, the angles, the editing etc. 
It just felt good to finally be in control again.


But eventually we will piece ourselves back together.
“They say a good love is one that sits you down, gives you a drink of water, and pats you on top of the head. But I say a good love is one that casts you into the wind, sets you ablaze, makes you burn through the skies and ignite the night like a phoenix; the kind that cuts you loose like a wildfire and you can’t stop running simply because you keep on burning everything that you touch! I say that’s a good love; one that burns and flies, and you run with it!”
 ―C. JoyBell C.

“True love is tested when betrayed.”
 ―Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

1 of lost and found



When you returned my swimsuit in a bag, I went home to realise that the bag had "1 year, 1 year, 1 year" written on it.
I have yet to ask you why because I keep forgetting.

Can you believe it has been a year?
I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.
I went through my blog archives yesterday and being remembered of how things were was refreshing.
It's no longer the same but it was refreshing to see things from the perspective I once had.

The notion of 2 people finding their way back to each other has always captivated me.
It can be a dangerous tightrope to walk on because it can either help you or break you.
But I never want hope to dissipate, I don't want my darkness to overcome the light.
And may we bask in the full glory of light one day.

This year filled and nourished me; it gave me so much more than I ever hoped for or expected.
But it also emptied my soul completely and utterly.


But I'm a fighter, and fight I will, every single day.

Monday, 29 June 2015

When I mistook a wake up call for a soul mate

It has been such a hell of a ride trying to move past my pain.
Let's be honest, I can't let go.
But after talking to a friend for 3 hours yesterday, I realised I confused a wakeup call for a soulmate.
I was blinded by the good I thought I saw in you, because I always do.
I was blinded by it and I failed to see that I have to put myself first.

I wouldn't say you're not my soul mate, but my priorities were fucked up this time.
I matter most, and I will give myself the love that I deserve.
I have always tried to love everyone else, especially you.
I put you first, maybe I got ahead of myself, but I thought I put you first.

So really, fuck the rest.
I deserve the best. (lol rhymes)

I deserve someone who is not broken.
I don't want you now, not like this.
Not when you're flinging yourself to someone just because you had the chance.
And I know you will regret this, now or later, I don't know.
But you will regret this, and you will fix yourself before fixing someone else.

And at that time, I will always welcome you with open arms.


It seems like my askfm widget is down.
If you have burning questions you are dying to ask:

http://ask.fm/spanishivory

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Never forget

People make mistakes.
Out of impulsiveness, irrationality, anger, and a need to escape.
Hopefully one day these wrongs will be made right.

To all the girls out there (and by girls, I really mean you're too young and unworldly, girls):

Please, please, please do not ever do something so impulsive and desperate that it would serve to humiliate, disrespect and break another woman.
Have some respect for yourself, the man you want so badly, and the woman who was involved.
Have some understanding at least for someone else OF THE SAME GENDER.


People are not your possessions, men are not your possessions.

He is not something that god gave you because you "so badly want to fall in love".
He is a person you come to understand.
He is someone you take glances at over the dinner table and wonder what he is thinking.
You wonder and you ask, you get to know him delicately and in detail.
People don't open up to you right away.
He is someone who will open your eyes to a new world: his world.
But at the same time, you should open his eyes to yours.
He is someone you take by surprise, like running naked into the shower.
He is someone you let you guard down with, be vulnerable with, and find strength in each other's arms and words.
He is someone you have a strange connection with, and it is unexplainable (and I'm not talking about puppy love).
He is someone who will slowly come to understand the nooks and crannies of your mind, how you function, how you work, how you think, how you feel, and what lies in your soul. And you are someone who should do the same.
He should be your best friend.
And for sure I know, you, girl, are not at that stage.

Men do not serve to make you happy and do not serve as objects to brag about.
In everything and especially in relationships like these, have some mutual understanding, have some discipline, and for fuck's sake have some self control.
If you can respect yourself so much to set boundaries with him, you can equally (or EVEN MORE) give me the same respect because I'm pretty sure I'm better than as good as you lol.


"The woman is a reflection of her man", you once sent me something that said this.
And you said that you'd do the same.


I pray that things will be made right again.
That people know that I am earned, and not granted to you like an angel that was dropped from the sky.
That you cannot stab me in the back, twist the knife, pull it out and tell me that I will have some time in the hospital to heal and get over it.
I know you did it out of exasperation, out of something that I know is not you, but it doesn't give you an excuse to deny it.
And I will help you, I will be there, but on my own terms now.
I am so much more than you can imagine.

You say you fight, but you gave up.
Fight for it. FIGHT.
Because I'm fighting every single day of my life.

My love, care and trust should be earned, and you better earn it.




Saturday, 27 June 2015




Regretting deleting my posts because I don't want to run away anymore.
you win.
i'm not even being sarcastic, but you still win.
you got the man of your dreams, you got the bragging rights.
i wave a white flag.
i accept and i face the music

with a severely bad cough and an oncoming cold in my sleepless slumber, i give up.
there's nothing more for me to give.
every time i close my eyes i see two faces. and i wake up again.





I tell myself, I will crawl out of this bubble, but what if i don't want to?

Happiness101

All I have been saying recently is "I don't know".
I don't know, I really don't know anymore.
I think maybe I do know, but I'm in denial.
Being vulnerable has never been my strongest suit, and I try to keep it to myself.

But the events that have transpired have never made me felt more naked.
Felt more vulnerable, ashamed, indignant, useless, and most of all, broken.
I can have all the words in the world at my fingertips but what I'm feeling cannot even be put into words.
I don't know anymore.
I don't know how strong I am, nor do I know how broken I have become.
I don't know how much of a mess I am, and I don't know how much hate I can contain.


For every person that has broken me, I wished for someone else.
Every. Damn. Time.
But for the first time, I don't want anyone else.(lol so mature, being 21 has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known now)
I just want the pain to go away.

I have mentioned sporadically, that I will always try to be grateful.
Right now, I am trying as fucking hard as I can.

Tuesday, 23 June 2015



" I vow to always earn your love and trust, without taking anything for granted. We have both earned  this feeling we have in our hearts right now.

I mean if I didn't.. When I wake up every morning, why would you be the first thing on my mind?"


Monday, 15 June 2015




Obviously I did not take this photo, someone else did.
I look so happy, even without makeup and all that fancy stuff.
I was also chubbier, but I never once felt vulnerable.
I also really miss my long hair.

They say if you want to know what someone fears losing, look at what they photograph (especially so for photographers right, haha).
I hope that was your agenda at that one moment.
I've discarded all the prints but I can't throw away the negatives.
Don't know whether taking so many film shots of you was a good idea, because they stay there forever.

Monday, 8 June 2015

cut my heart up, will you?

When you are dealing with a broken heart that can no longer function as of now, you try many things.
You try to meet new people.
You try to go out and get your mind off things.
You try to binge watch dramas and shit.
You try to eat your feelings away.

But eventually it all comes back to you, it catches up with you and you crumble again.
Nothing can make things better. Nothing will make you feel better.
And sometimes it makes you wonder, will death make you feel better?

But you have to pull yourself off the edge, it's the only way to keep living.
It's the only way you can move on.


He was never one to make the most sacrifices.
He was never one to stay up late for me because he had to wake up early.
He was never one to stay just because you asked.
Maybe he was just selfish. But then you thought, didn't he use to be so giving and so loving?
People change.
A lot of things change.
And you are never able to reconcile with that.

I can't reconcile with why I have to be dealt such a shit hand in life.
Nothing matches up.
Here I am crying while looking at old photographs I'm about to delete.
I'm deleting them all.
I hesitated initially because some dumbass part of my brain thinks things will change.
Hope is a great thing but at times like this I JUST WANT TO KILL ALL HOPE.
DIE HOPE DIE.

Why do such selfish people exist.
And why do i even spend nights crying over these people. THIS PERSON.
When there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Tonight I am going to delete all traces of you. So that I will never stumble upon an old photograph and start crying like i am doing right now.
I am deleting you. I need to delete you. Because it will never be the same again.
I am throwing away ALL THOSE FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHS I HAVE OF YOU.
Of you smiling and doing cute shit.
Because it isn't happy anymore.
I'm not happy anymore

I AM NOT HAPPY.
I AM A BROKEN PIECE OF MYSELF.
I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS LEFT OF ME.

Thursday, 4 June 2015

Heartbreaks

For anyone going through a heartbreak:

http://bodyrock.tv/life/can-heart-really-break-6-things-happen-body-break/

Heartbreak is as physical as it is emotional.
I just hope the day that this will stop will come sooner.
Can you just mend my heart and not break it?

Monday, 1 June 2015

I don't know why i keep letting myself slip up.
I can't help it.
It's just like me to beg, to plead, to do anything.
It's so me to let my emotions get the better of me, to be honest about my feelings.
I don't know why I end up being vulnerable and bare.

fuck all of you fuck