Tuesday, 29 September 2015

I know I'm not religious but

Dear God,

I am praying for comfort right now.
A nice hot bath, a nice big bed, hot chocolate, and maybe if you could send Leow Simin back here from the UK, that would be the absolute best.

THANK YOU AMEN

Friday, 25 September 2015

Clown





Another late night working on my presentation for tomorrow's lighting class critique (yes, class on a Saturday!).
I like staying up late because it makes me think a lot and I like to be in touch with the feelings buried deeper inside my head.
But what I simultaneously hate about it is that it brings me negative emotions - frustration, grief, yearning.
Ah, the pros and cons of having this much alone time.

\

Thinking about what my next tattoo should be because I am consciously saving up for it when I get to Australia.

Anyway, back to work (ugh) and hopefully have time to paint my nails after hehehe

Saturday, 19 September 2015

You will never be everyone's cup of tea.
But fuck their cup of tea.
Be coffee if you want.

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Feet, school & a lot of stress.




A shot from my shoot yesterday.
I am in the midst of a big lighting assignment, which explains why only one photo made it here on the blog.
The rest of the photos are still in their post processing phase and awaiting submission so I shall leave those until the assignment is over.

Very thankful that I am still alive despite having 4 hours of sleep the past 2 days.
I have probably spent more time in school than I do at home most days due to my workload and paperwork needed for exchange.
So glad I'm getting out of here next semester because the environment here is giving me tremendous stress.
Not that stress isn't good, but I can feel my soul slowly dying and my brain ageing at twice the speed.

The other thing that is killing my soul is the abundance of bullshit people around me do and say on a daily basis.
Being a shithead is unacceptable.
It is amazing how many people are so full of shit.
I'll be praying for yall.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

Thoughts at 1am



Feeling like a schoolgirl at 1am and refusing to sleep.
I've been working my ass off in school and working so hard on growing myself as a photographer this semester.
I don't think I've worked this hard for years.
I feel myself improving and moving forward but simultaneously lacking a lot of confidence in some areas.
Got thrown some real shade in lighting class yesterday by my professor for saying something wrong and I felt so shitty afterwards.
lol I have such a tough exterior but I'm a fucking softie deep down.
Nevertheless I learnt something right?
Trying to stay positive all the time is so draining though.

It doesn't help that Simin just left for exchange and Jon is leaving too.
And school feels so dead without 1/3 of the photo majors.

\

So many things to think about and so many things to do.
My life is so full but my soul is empty.
Something is missing but I don't know what.
Perhaps I'm just permanently broken.
But perfectly broken.

Sunday, 6 September 2015

Poor photo throwback



























Photo spam from my phone from Australia.
Random throwback because I miss this girl and it's her birthday!!
So apparently I'm not that important because she didn't reply my text and only replied my facebook post when I pestered her.
But I still love you, even when you sleep naked in the same bed.

Missing Australian weather, my sunkissed hair and a certain someone.
Another busy week ahead for me (of photoshoots, readings and work).
I also have a slight obsession with Snapchat now so if anyone would like to add me, please do (spanishivory, unless you have my number).
I like to think I'm a comedian on there.

This week I am just thankful for non-painful periods and feeling alive. And the return of my even eyelids.

So Namaste, everyone.

Friday, 4 September 2015

lanjiao

EDIT:
I am not hung up over the breakup hahaha.
But since I'm on the topic let's just say emotional cheating still constitutes as cheating.
Once a cheater always a cheater lol good luck.

What frustrates me is that humans are a disappointing species lol.
And I don't want to love an asshole again.
FREEDOM
With that said, let's move on from that, the world does not revolve around one person because I have met other people after the breakup.
Thinking about art gives me so much anxiety though, because there are layers and layers of complexities that I think my mind cannot fathom yet.
And I have been reading a book about a man turning into an insect WTF so yeah that explains my mind fuckery.

Anyway, I recently shot some beautiful nudes (with equally beautiful meaning) and hopefully I can post them up and nobody will report my blog for inappropriate content hahaha

-


Blogger states that someone went to my archives 2 years ago.
How time flies, and how things have changed.

It's funny how you think certain people will stay in your life forever.
And when you take a photograph, that moment is forever.
But that person is never forever.

Thus I have learnt that nobody in your life is forever.
And it is heartbreaking.

Cluttered



A self portrait when I had to test my light set up yesterday night when my models went to get dinner.
During a presentation today, I told the class that I've been very emotionally constipated recently and to be honest, I don't know the reason behind it.
I also shared (with some hestitation) with the class the self portraits I posted a while back.

I think all of that might just be a result of me trying to be stronger than I actually am.
I'm by no means a weak person, but I feel it is alright for anyone and everyone to break down from time to time.
It is okay if my wounds are reopened, or if I'm still hurt by the past.
It is alright because we are only being honest with ourselves, and we draw strength from that.
I just have to remember that holding it all in does not equate to strength.
True strength is being able to be vulnerable and move on from there.

Hopefully, I'll be able to find the right words to express the thoughts in my head for the book I have to produce this semester.
I feel like I'm barely grasping at the right words this week.
Bless all your hearts.