Sunday, 13 August 2017

Some photos.







Some photos I took when Jimmy and I went to the hidden Marina Square maze and then to the esplanade area for abit.

Getting out to shoot has been great because I am 'forced' to shoot a little (I can get lazy sometimes) and it's also shown me a lot of things that I can do with photography outside of school now that I have officially graduated (convocation photos another day).
The past year has been so consuming and I had been so involved in the work I was making that I never had the time to shoot leisurely.

I'm making good use of August to recharge and shoot a little more personal stuff because I start interning in September.
I am very very very excited for what's to come.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Unworthy (just some thoughts I needed to type out)

Tonight, a friend revealed to me how he found out about his ex's cheating.
What followed was a series of "it's not worth it" and "TRIGGERED" (all for laughs though haha). What I found in the humourous (but simultaneously, serious) exchange was a weird unity that made me decide enough was enough.

My ex has been viewing my Instagram stories for 2 months now (ever since the breakup) and has been stalking my friends as well. I have seen his name pop up every single day on my list and tonight I decided enough was enough.
In the beginning, it was fine because I knew I was happy with how things were moving in my life and it was something to prove.
As time passed, seeing that name grew tiring and frustrating.
And tonight I realised I had nothing to prove to this person.
What he is, is a fragment of my past. An undeserving, unworthy fragment. A person whose name I'd rather not be associated with, let alone see pop up on my phone.
Someone who is undeserving to be a voyeur of the quaint little life I have now created for myself.
And so, I have removed him from all forms of social media for good and with a sigh of great relief.

I told Jon: "never have I ever felt this way towards someone in my life". Honestly. So thoroughly and utterly disgusted with someone.
So, I'm done with the rant haha. It was a significant moment in time for me tonight as I walked home under the full moon (i love the moon so dearly), so I thought it needed to be written down.


And to D (my friend mentioned earlier in the beginning, who also happens to share the exact same birthdate as me!!!!!!!! are we soulmates now haha), if you ever read this, know that no unworthy person deserves your fucking time or effort or energy so don't waste time thinking about them ok pls omg go make yourself happy!!

Sunday, 9 July 2017

In other news

I booked a one way flight ticket to Melbourne yesterday night because it was the last day of the Jetstar sale.
Can you believe that I will be paying $169 for a flight to Melbourne?????!?!?!?!
Well I'm ecstatic. But I haven't told my mum anything nor do I have the finances to fund an entire trip myself right now but what is life without a little leap of faith?

sooooooo all I gotta do now is pay for the ticket and then book a domestic flight to Brissy and I WILL BE BACK TO MY HOME SWEET HOME.


Also, I have not found a job. This quarter life crisis is killing me a little. But I'm taking it in stride.
With all that's happened I reckon I can be a little less hard on myself (because dumb people are not worth the energy).
I would like to extend a huge thank you to everyone who has told me that I deserve so much better and that at least now I need not deal with all that disgustingness.
Also Singapore is horribly tiny and I have found people who actually know my ex's new girlfriend LOL so thank you for reaffirming me as well love u all hahahahahah

Hopefully I am not going to bum around much longer so I can fund that trip down under and get my fucking life together. YAY ADULTHOOD.
 YAY

I AM OLD AF

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Last goodbye.








The first 3 photographs were taken on the same day, the day that you were at my house and had just woken up from a nap because you had a night shift the night before. You were drinking a vitagen that I had brought up for you and you were nibbling the straw (a habit I am guilty of as well).
It was then that I decided to finally take some photos of you on film (after a good few months) because I was so afraid that I would lose you and be left with film photographs that I could never get rid of except throw them away (which I wouldn't bear to do either). You never knew but it took me so much courage to snap just those few photos that day.

Yesterday night I discovered these photos of you (and me) again when I was searching through my hard drive.
I took one look at the second photo and I couldn't take it anymore. I was a sobbing mess last night. I have been doing well so far after the breakup (and finding out about the other girl) and I think I have been suppressing all the grief because I thought I was okay. But I wasn't and last night proved that to me. I was not okay and I had to let it all out.
That second photo broke me. It broke everything I was working towards up till then to move on.
That photo broke me but it is my favourite photo because it reminds me that at one point in our relationship, all that revolved around us was that intimacy we shared. I will always be grateful for that.

And I cried. Till I was tired enough to have to go to bed.

I am sad that I never got to share these photographs with you. To show you what I saw through the camera and how I saw you as a partner. I am sad that it is a moment I captured in time that I will never get back again. And I am sad that what was shown in these photographs had to end the way it did.
I am also sad that I never got to show you my two fake pet toy rats I bought in IKEA haha.

Today, I told a friend that if you came looking for me I would even consider taking you back. Because that was how much I valued our relationship. Because I believe in second chances (even though we know that we are past second chances now).
And because I sincerely believed that you were the last person whom I thought would ever do something like that to me.

I saw you for who you are, Darren. And I loved every inch of what I saw.
I may not have been the best and I have done some shit I definitely shouldn't have but I know I did everything I could at that point in time.
I keep telling people that I am more angry than sad. But am I?
Am I masking the sadness under the anger?
I am angry that even after everything, you still had to hurt me this way.
But I forgive you. I forgive you because I love you.

I just wished things ended differently. At times I would have the urge to talk to you and tell you things because that was what I had been doing the past year.
 I even wanted to work my life around yours and I would have gladly and willingly have done so.
But this is my last goodbye to you. This is for myself and myself only. Because now I only have myself to care for.
Here's to immortalising what we had; now time to put that away.

If we ever cross paths again, till then.

Friday, 30 June 2017

aiyo why ah

idk why my exes always like to cheat on me with damn subpar versions of me.
like u cannot bear to let go of the real thing then you go and downgrade FOR WHAT

at least upgrade right then i at least will be like wa not bad la good job on the upgrade BUT NO they choose some skanky girl lol like wut

legit i'm concerned yall

Sunday, 18 June 2017

Feeling disgusted that I was once with someone who could so easily betray the love and complete trust I have shown them.

I don't know how you can ever do that to someone you claim to love.

Tuesday, 18 April 2017

2 months

2 months of very real struggles.
2 months of questioning far too many things in my life than I am actually supposed to.
2 months of still not realising who I am.

Thinking of deleting this blog.
It holds too many events and memories that I would now rather bury deep in my heart than leave aired in the open.

I did think of starting a Dayre (have an account but don't blog), but I do think it's a little too instantaneous for me and a little too fast-food paced.
I do like taking my time to gather my thoughts and type.

For some reason, I have been wanting to be alone a lot lately.
I think a better word would be independent.
I find myself getting more cynical as time passes and it isn't as though I wasn't cynical enough already before.
I don't know anymore.

Monday, 20 February 2017

First of 2017

Today, I learnt to parallel park in less than an hour and I also learnt that monsters do exist in real life.

Someone I considered a peer did the most immature thing ever. She stared down at me after noticing that I had smiled to greet her when I saw her walking towards me.
I don't know how low a person can go but this is definitely the lowest I have experienced myself.
I feel like this seems like such a petty thing to blog about and so stupid as a first post of 2017 (late as hell) but I feel like I need to remember this. 
I think I was pretty bewildered but I remember just freezing my smile because I was amused and also SO CONFUSED.
Like why the fuck would someone stare you down??? That has got to be the most immature and petty expression of displeasure to someone (yours truly) who was just being polite.

But actually I'm just happy I can parallel park well HAHAHHAHAHA

2017 has not been smooth!
I guess it will be a year of deeper and clearer realisations. And a year of appreciating the people who deserve it the most.

This evening, an old friend asked: "So are you going to _____'s wedding?"
Me: "I wasn't invited lol"
S: "HUH really what happen"
Me: "she drowned our friendship"

I guess this is another thing worth remembering. And this has been on my mind for a while.
Friendships fall apart and people become distanced.
But what I have failed to understand the past few years is how you could distance yourself from me and our friendship when what I needed most at that time was friendship itself.

I would text you occasionally to ask you what you've been up to and these texts would go unanswered.
I looked up to you and I respected you, as a person and a professional.
But I guess my friendship wasn't beneficial to you and you decided to burn the bridges instead.
The first friend I made the first day I came to university.
Ironic that I wouldn't be graduating with you as a friend.

Still grateful for the people that have proven my judgemental self wrong (hahahahaah) and the people who are sticking like glue (SIMIN I LOVE YOU MY FOREVER LOVE)!