Thursday, 6 July 2017
The first 3 photographs were taken on the same day, the day that you were at my house and had just woken up from a nap because you had a night shift the night before. You were drinking a vitagen that I had brought up for you and you were nibbling the straw (a habit I am guilty of as well).
It was then that I decided to finally take some photos of you on film (after a good few months) because I was so afraid that I would lose you and be left with film photographs that I could never get rid of except throw them away (which I wouldn't bear to do either). You never knew but it took me so much courage to snap just those few photos that day.
Yesterday night I discovered these photos of you (and me) again when I was searching through my hard drive.
I took one look at the second photo and I couldn't take it anymore. I was a sobbing mess last night. I have been doing well so far after the breakup (and finding out about the other girl) and I think I have been suppressing all the grief because I thought I was okay. But I wasn't and last night proved that to me. I was not okay and I had to let it all out.
That second photo broke me. It broke everything I was working towards up till then to move on.
That photo broke me but it is my favourite photo because it reminds me that at one point in our relationship, all that revolved around us was that intimacy we shared. I will always be grateful for that.
And I cried. Till I was tired enough to have to go to bed.
I am sad that I never got to share these photographs with you. To show you what I saw through the camera and how I saw you as a partner. I am sad that it is a moment I captured in time that I will never get back again. And I am sad that what was shown in these photographs had to end the way it did.
I am also sad that I never got to show you my two fake pet toy rats I bought in IKEA haha.
Today, I told a friend that if you came looking for me I would even consider taking you back. Because that was how much I valued our relationship. Because I believe in second chances (even though we know that we are past second chances now).
And because I sincerely believed that you were the last person whom I thought would ever do something like that to me.
I saw you for who you are, Darren. And I loved every inch of what I saw.
I may not have been the best and I have done some shit I definitely shouldn't have but I know I did everything I could at that point in time.
I keep telling people that I am more angry than sad. But am I?
Am I masking the sadness under the anger?
I am angry that even after everything, you still had to hurt me this way.
But I forgive you. I forgive you because I love you.
I just wished things ended differently. At times I would have the urge to talk to you and tell you things because that was what I had been doing the past year.
I even wanted to work my life around yours and I would have gladly and willingly have done so.
But this is my last goodbye to you. This is for myself and myself only. Because now I only have myself to care for.
Here's to immortalising what we had; now time to put that away.
If we ever cross paths again, till then.